The Real Damage of Pornography

Confession to and with another human being, or a few, is one of the healthiest habits a person can have.  I've made this confession in public before and do so again: I am a pornography addict.  Like a drug addict, though, I'm in recovery and could receive, if there were such a thing, a sobriety pin of a long while.  Still, it's a real and constant temptation.  I make this confession to you, my dear reader, because I want to talk about the real damage of pornography in a personal way.

As I talk about the real damage of pornography I want to make clear that I do not agree with the common attacks on pornography.  Often I hear that pornography is inherently evil and therefore should be banned or that pornography inherently degrades the personhood and worth of those involved, and other related arguments.  Personally I believe that the former is wrong, even ridiculous, and the latter, while partially true, misses the point.  Sex is a good gift from God--or evolution, depending on our perspective--and should be celebrated.  Therefore, pornography cannot be inherently bad because it can be a celebration of sex and the pleasure we receive.  God cannot possibly want us to go through life avoiding all possible pleasure and joy.  Pornography (let's remember that pornography can still come in forms other than videos) can or could be, when used properly, encourage a guilt and fear-free exploration of the good gift we have from God.  Likewise, then, pornography does not inherently degrade anyone. 

Pornography can, however, degrade persons.  It does so in two ways.  The first I've chronicled elsewhere, in my book particularly, and so will only briefly mention.  While most pornographic actors do choose their occupation and the scenes in which they perform, and most enjoy the work they do, scenes containing what we might call the "degrading acts" pay more.  If a pornographic actor absolutely depends on income from pornography scenes, then is it still a choice to perform in those degrading scenes?  As I've contemplated various options for myself as a pastor, I've had this question about being a congregational pastor: if I depend on the income the church pays me, and they can fire me at any time, do I really have a choice in whether I prophesy to them?  A choice between struggling financially or doing something you don't much like, well, I think we know what most of us would do, and it is therefore not much of a choice.

The other, worse form of degradation, though, comes in how we interact with one another having been exposed to pornography.  In other words, pornography itself is not wrong or degrading but our reaction to and formation as people from watching or reading is, or can be, degrading.  Without using names or, hopefully, any indicative information about others, let me tell three quick stories to illustrate.

A church girl I knew had a crush on me.  She came from a somewhat troubled background.  Up to that point in my life I was known to have a straight-edge approach to life, devoted to God alone.  This girl clearly wanted to date me and expressed that she'd do anything to make that happen because she looked up to me, my faith, and my life.  I then had the opportunity to help lift her out of the life she knew and was exposed to and show her what a good, faithful life looked like.  Instead, I saw the chance to take advantage of her and play out some things I had seen in pornographic videos.  Thankfully, I never acted on any of it, but the damage was done.  After her experience with me, she was taught that all men, even the ones that seem to be holy and faithful, want only one thing.  Indeed, one of her last communications to me was that I taught her a lot: that if she wants to please a man and find a good man to date and live with, she should be willing to stretch the boundaries of what she's comfortable with.

Another girl I knew was herself from a solid background and was a solid person, believing in God.  Unfortunately, her lifestyle often resulted in being an outsider of sorts, because rather than being "cool" or concentrating on partying, she tried to do good in the world and study well for a good future.  At the age we were at that time, she was therefore not popular.  I could relate.  I myself was an outsider and considered strange for my faith and uncompromising dedication to what is good rather than cool.  Somehow I was able to make my outsiderness popular, however, so I didn't have to deal with the daily frustrations she did.  Because of that, this girl saw in me a wonderful opportunity: a good man with his priorities straight.  So she excitedly started hanging out with me.  Unfortunately, I took that opportunity to almost force myself on her.  From then on I tried convincing her that we should "fool around."  Again, I had a wonderful opportunity.  Here I could have shown this girl who felt alone in her faith and her principles that she was not alone after all.  Instead I wanted to play out what I thought every girl really wanted deep down because of the videos I had seen, or at the least what I wanted to experience; thinking that, in my position of power over here, I could make it happen.

While in college, a friend of mine from New Jersey received a random text from a girl.  What we think happened was that she was sending texts to random NJ numbers hoping that someone, somewhere, would respond.  Clearly, as she later said, she was in need of a friend.  She was contemplating suicide for a variety of reasons but also because her boyfriend had just broken up with her.  My friend did not want to talk to a complete stranger so instead I did.  The more we talked, the more I realized I, again, had a position of power: she needed me.  Though I never intended to see her in real life I used that opportunity to provide her with comfort but only if she would talk through the various scenes I wanted to try out from having watched pornography.  By the time I came to my senses, she said she'd contemplate suicide again if I broke things off with her.  Instead of being the friend she really needed, I used her.

These stories are all, essentially, the same.  They are also not the only instances of my living out these story archetypes.  What these stories hopefully show is that the real danger and damage of pornography is in how we seek to incorporate what we see or hear into our lives.  Life imitates art, as Oscar Wilde says.  In a way, that is not inherently bad.  Again, sex is God's good gift.  If there are certain sexual acts that we think might be pleasurable we should not feel guilty or fearful in exploring those acts.  The problem comes in having consensual partners and, even when consensual, harming the souls of those we interact with.

First, my assuming that exploring certain sexual acts would of course, naturally, obviously, be welcomed by my female friends was ludicrous.  Perhaps part of the fear some feel in asking their partners if they'd be willing to explore certain sexual avenues is that we are taught, by 'good' people like me, that anything out of the ordinary in intimacy must lead to danger.  In the second story in particular my friend came to engage in a world that had been foreign to her before me.  She came to think that the world of danger must be engaged in order to find friends or intimacy rather than committing to her original, more wholesome way of life.

Also, whether intentional or not, there are now significant elements of power dynamics in pornography.  Yet again, there's nothing inherently wrong with that, but gradually, over time, we may learn that power is a necessary factor in sexual encounters.  That makes it very difficult to explore in a consensual manner even if and when 'consent' is given. 

Second, while the exploration was consensual in a few instances, I entirely ignored what would have been uplifting and meaningful to my partners.  Whether consensual or not, I re-enforced a negative way of life: that sex is the way to a man's heart and that sex is the main source of healing.  Both ideas are harmful.  Instead, we should be asking how we can truly upbuild one another into the whole persons we are meant to be.  What we see or read in pornography may be healthy but certainly not necessary.  I could have supported these women into the way of life they wanted but instead I thought it was my right to keep them where they were, because sex, it seemed after watching pornography, took priority.  Other means of peace, comfort, and joy should be prioritized.

So the real damage of pornography is how we treat and do harm to others after being exposed.  Is it possible to intake pornography without being so formed?  Yes.  Just as it is possible to hear a friend make an argument and then disagree with it afterward.  But the danger is real.  We do ourselves no favors approaching the real danger and damage by wrongly and ineffectively arguing that sex or pornography are inherently evil.  Rather, we should provide one another, especially our youth, with helpful tips so as to be exposed to pornography, as is almost inevitable, without losing their identity or falsely and extremely condemning sex altogether.

As of right now, then, I have two tips.  One, that we should ask ourselves, "Is this 'doing it' for me?"  Ask that question not only with sexual pleasure in mind but with our longing for true joy and contentment in mind.  Is this helping me understand myself, what I find pleasurable, and how I might live with peace now and in the future?  Second, as much as possible we should read or watch pornography collectively, preferably with an intimate partner.  In such a relationship we can communicate about what is healthy, what we'd be willing and comfortable to explore, etc., as we are being exposed.  That way, we can voice together with those that we trust, who know the people we want to be, how we want to be formed.  In no case, pornography included, particularly because it relates to the most intimate part of our living, should we allow something external to form us.

All in all, whatever our thoughts or experiences with pornography may be, we should acknowledge that there are plenty of opportunities and means to harm and hurt one another.  We needn't add another.  You and I, as individuals, have the choice.